Tuesday, September 10, 2013

Life without them....


I grew up in a small town in Northeast Ohio. Right on lake Erie called North Madison, Ohio. After graduation I moved away.  A whole 2 or 3 miles from the edge of Madison to our football rival's town right next door in the small town of Geneva. Lol...that's as far as I went. All my life was spent within a 5 mile radius of Madison and Geneva. I grew up there, married there, divorced, remarried. My kids were all born there. They grew up there. My first grandchild was born there. My mom, my sister and my brother and his wife live there and all their kids and grandkids live there. We all stayed. Until 2007, when I moved over 700 miles away and started a new life.
And now I am both sad and happy about that. I am sad they didn't come with me. lol...As impossible as that is. I want them all living here with me, in NC. I am happy because my adult children and their kids did move down here and I love our life here. Six years ago my husband was given a job opportunity in Southeast North Carolina. Right on the beautiful Atlantic ocean. So we took the opportunity and moved. A VERY scary thing for me to do. I left behind family, friends, church and familiarity. Scary indeed.
I now live in a beautiful port city on the ocean in NC. And I do love it. I have made a new life here. We bought a house, joined a great church, made friends, watched our adult children and grandchildren all move down here and generally built a good life here. I love it. The ocean, seeing dolphins, sharks, alligators, living close to downtown which is a trendy beautiful riverfront on the Cape Fear River. But I am still torn. My friends still live "back home" in Ohio. I miss them. And as life moves on, I see them all less and less. They use to come to visit but not so much any more. And I can't make it back to Ohio but once a year. If it weren't for Facebook I wouldn't know anything of their lives. And my family. I miss them so much sometimes my heart aches. People tell me its the natural course of life. Kids grow up and move away. But its hard. People say well then I shouldn't have moved. That's an easy answer. People move and live all over the world. Such is life. But again, its hard. My family has built a new life -one that is without me. I know that's normal since I am not there. But normal or not, it bothers me. I learn things second hand or not at all. Things come to me in snippets. Or via facebook. I find out things way after the fact when its too late to laugh with them, celebrate or cry with them.
I feel separated. Left behind. I wonder if others feel this way when they move away or if ya just get use to it. I hear people say "oh my brother lives in Texas and I haven't seen him in 10 years" or my moms back in New York, I see her every other year.". So why does it bother me so much? I feel so out of touch. Disconnected....lost.

Years pass by. Holidays come and go. I have my children and grandchildren here with me NC, all but one and it is joyous! But there's still a small pang of something missing. I wonder if they feel that same pang.... My mom, sister, brother and their families are all up north celebrating there own holidays and life events. We grow more distant. My mom is getting older. And it scares me that something could happen to her and I wouldn't be there. Sometimes I cry and feel like I can't catch my breath, I miss her so much. My sister and I grow more distant, with separate lives that don't intersect. I miss her. I want her to be here. But she can't. My brother has gotten married. His life has changed and I have missed it. His wife is great. I think if I were still there we'd be good friends. But at this distance, -I barely know her. I wonder if they miss me like I miss them. I don't know. Or have they gotten use to my absence. I guess it will get easier as the years go by...but that is what I am afraid of.

4 comments:

  1. dear God in Heaven - I know exactly what ur saying! I feel that too. Ed & I live here in NY. It is certainly beautiful here in the finger lake area.This little village is picturesque. Our home is a wonderful older home that is perfect for when our family is all here. I love living by a lake ( especially since growing up by lake Erie all my life. Yet ... I feel sad a often too. Lost a little maybe ? I feel everyone else gets to be with their families as much as they want. My mom, my sister Sheree, my relatives, they are all close by one another. They see & visit with their families on a regular basis. I ache for that ability. I can tell u that the way u stated ur feelings was as if I wrote them from my own thoughts. Thank for putting it into words that echos in my heart & soul. Sometimes I do not even know how to voice the ache inside of me ? Yet ur words resonated within me loudly. Ed & I have raised 4 wonderful kids. We r so very proud of each of them. But - they all moved away & started their adult lives elsewhere. They live in 4 different states. Not one of them is close to the other to visit. That breaks my heart. My grand-babies live down in Florida. It is heart-wrenching for me. Everyone says ' oh with computers & face-time and all, it will still be great and easy to stay in touch. Yeah right !!!! It is not the same as human connection ... no way ... no how ! I say those very people have NOT had to deal with being separated by miles. I do not have the answer, but I know it hurts inside of me when I feel alone without all of my family. Ot feelings of disconnection. My mom telling; 'me oh U thought I told u ?' Nope mom ... u forgot. Well -just wanted u to know someone else feels this also. Thanks for letting me express my self in ur blog. I know one thing for certain, if I lived close to u Ginger, we would be girlfriends for sure. <3

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    1. Brenda -Its so nice to know I am not alone! I am very happy with where I live and my life...as I am sure you are. Its just wanting that extra. All my loved ones close by to share with. :)

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  2. I totally understand what you both have said here. As our family moved so many times and we kids went to several different schools. I never really felt at home much any place until after I had lived in Ohio for a pretty long time. Although I did love living in Texas a lot....we just didn't stay there long enough for me to get too attached. So, for me, family has been scattered for a very long time. So, I have always felt a kind of "disconnect" in a way. On the bright side, I sure made a lot of friends all over the country. Right now, my home is here in Knoxville with my husband. Our kids live fairly close, but at times, I still get homesick for Madison and the life that I knew there for so long. If you get a chance, read some of my blog from many years ago....I am happy to say that my life is better than it was back then...I read those words and I don't recognize myself! But writing is a good thing! Glad you reminded me of this Ginger.

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    1. Yes Susan, keep writing! I love to read others blogs too!

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